Everything is Heavy

What is even happening right now?!? Honestly, people. I don’t know what I can even say on this platform that seems to bring any kind of comfort or peace for that matter. There is way too much going on across the globe. As an already anxious individual, my brain is possibly exploding. Haven’t had an MRI to confirm that yet. I know that my heart is racing. And some days I simply wake up anxious. I’m having nightmares more often and not sleeping great. Everything is just very heavy right now.

I have been called horrible things for simply wishing big pharma would open up and discuss other effective treatment options for the big C word, and make them available to doctors and nurses… to save more human lives. I guess that’s a bad thing? I’ve been watching our leaders ignore the fact that we have American citizens trapped in a country full of the tweeting Taliban army…yep they still have Twitter. Our military is dying over there. Our citizens are dying. Ya’ll I just can’t anymore. It’s so much. It’s painful to watch. And this country is still so stinking divided over everything. What is that saying again? Oh yes… “United we stand, divided we fall.” Yikes!

If you don’t see eye to eye with someone, that’s okay. We can disagree and still be kind to one another! Most humans on this earth want health and wellness. But we may not have the exact same views on how to get there. And that’s okay. This is all still new! We shouldn’t be calling people ugly names because they may want to explore a different road to healing than you do. Ultimately we want the same outcome I believe. But we must understand that no two human bodies are exactly alike. So let’s open our minds to hearing about other possibly wonderful breakthrough aid to help us in this health crisis instead of being so divided over it. Maybe the government’s solution isn’t the ONLY one out there. Maybe there are (gasp) several available and effective treatment options out there and we have to choose which one is right for our personal health and wellness. Remember, none of us have the same bodies, the same health history, the same DNA. This may never be a one size fits all scenario. Or in this case, one thing heals all.

Let’s pray for our fellow Americans to make it out alive of Afghanistan right now. The fact that there are American pastors willing and ready to see Jesus in a matter of days breaks me. They want protection for their families, their congregation. But they are planning to see their Savior soon. What bravery. Courage. I hope I can be like this one day. They are heroes. I am praying for their lives. For the lives of SO many in that country. Americans and Afghans alike. If this crisis doesn’t bring us to our knees, what will?

Please pray.

I have personally spoken to several nurses over these last few weeks. These people were heroes last year. Now they are people possibly losing their jobs over a personal health choice. (And I’ve been called a liar for this already so go look up Houston TX if you don’t believe me. The number was somewhere around 150.) But the threat is out there. We need these brave men and women in our healthcare system! We cannot afford to lose them! I cannot imagine what they’ve been through this past year. I appreciate each and every one of them. I know they are exhausted and that is an understatement. Let’s treat all of them with dignity and respect. They have families to provide for too. And they’ve literally put their lives on the line for us. Thank you doesn’t seem sufficient. And firing them is an injustice.

I am sorry if you have been lead to believe that our governing powers want what is best for us at all times. I used to be that person. I used to think that the people in power had my back. That they were looking out for me. And some are! Many are not. Look back in the Bible if you want proof of other corrupt government/leaders. Infanticide was happening way back then. Leaders like Saul were chasing good people like David, trying to kill them. Seriously. But we shake our heads and say no, that can’t happen today. We are so evolved and holy now. Right?!? Hmmmm….Jesus is the ONLY one who can save you, friends. Our worldly leaders may always be swayed by the mighty dollar or the perception of power and authority. It is part of our sin nature. Just because they lead the country doesn’t make them exempt from these temptations.

I’m going out on a huge limb to write this as it is totally different than my normal posts. I always fear the backlash and the name calling as that has already happened to me online for stating my opinions and sharing information that doesn’t align with the current narrative. My word for the year has been “Bold” and I have been in prayer about what to share and what to keep to myself. Haha! But all of these words are my own. Not my husband’s, not my parents. Mine. If you don’t agree with me, I’m okay with that. In fact, we can still be friends. I know. Shocking. I heard from a friend this week who told me he has lost so many dear friends over his viewpoints on certain current topics. Did you know that you can be friends with people you don’t agree with? But if you cross the boundary of being cruel then expect those friends to step aside because we literally can’t deal with any more hatred right now. We are doing nothing by fighting with one another online and behind our tablets. We all should be on our knees. Begging the Lord for His mercy and peace. For healing and becoming more unified. We could band together and uplift one another in prayer! That would do a lot more good right now than arguing.

I’ve been listening to a beautiful song called “Peace” lately. It’s by “Bethel Music” and “We the Kingdom.” Ya’ll. Put your headphones on, and take a listen. I know I need this song in my life right now. I thought maybe you would too. I will leave you with a verse and the lyrics to this song. Because even though there is a ton of scary stuff going on, Christ still sits on the throne. And we have direct access to Him. Direct access to the God of the Universe! If that’s not amazing, I don’t know what is. He’s a loving Father. He hears us. He listens to us. He wants to spend time with us! I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for Him. And I ask Him daily for His peace. So I know everything is heavy right now. Take a deep breath. Read this scripture verse and go listen to that song. And remember the God of the Universe reigns.

John 16:33 says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Here are the lyrics to “Peace”:

When my mind is like a battlefield
And my heart is overcome by fear
And hope seems like a ship that’s lost at sea

My enemies on every side
And I’m tempted to run and hide
Your gentle whisper reaches out to me

Peace
Holds me when I’m broken
Sweet peace
That passes understanding
When the whole wide world is crashing down
I fall to my knees
And breathe in
Your peace

Fiery arrows whistling
The terror of the night sets in
But I can feel Your angels all around

I am resting underneath
The shelter of Your mighty wings
Your promises are where my hope is found
All my hope, yeah

Peace
Holds me when I’m broken
Sweet peace
That passes understanding
When the whole wide world is crashing down
I fall to my knees
And breathe in
Your peace

I remember who You are
You’re the God who’s never far
So I will not be afraid
God, You always keep me safe in Your arms

I remember who You are
You’re the God who’s never far
So I will not be afraid
God, You always, You always keep me safe

You give me peace
That holds me when I’m broken
Sweet peace
That passes understanding
When the whole wide world is crashing down
I fall to my knees
And breathe in

I breathe You, I breathe You in
Take a deep breath and be still
And know that You are God alone

Closed Doors and Bright Opportunities

Style. We are drawn to different styles of homes, clothes, decor…even food. I’ve always loved the farmhouse style. Whether it’s rustic or even more modern, most of my decor has consisted of antiques and peeling paint. I’ve always tried to turn whatever house I was living in, into a farmhouse. If my house could look exactly like Joanna Gaines’, I’d be thrilled. The wrap around porch, the dormer windows, the chipped paint. All of it has been my jam. But I’ve never had the actual farmhouse of my dreams.

When we moved to Charleston in our RV, we started looking at homes but knew we could take our time. We were living in our tiny house, in a campground and weren’t in a rush to buy again. We thought we would take our time and see what was available. We saw several homes that were just…not right. Then we passed a house in a neighborhood that was very “Charleston”. It had the double front porch, and the oil lamp in the front. All of the homes were so beachy and colorful. Sure the yards were tiny and there was no privacy but I was willing to give that up for this place. This neighborhood had it all! Pools, a kids’ park, a dog park, walking trails, and tons of families. I really thought we needed to be there. So we tried to book a showing. But the owners denied our request, saying they needed a full 24 hour notice. (Homes here are selling in seconds so this was very frustrating.) It was a big fat no, a closed door. I was so bummed. So much for that amazing neighborhood. It would be gone by the time we ever got an appointment.

The next morning, I saw this one particular house pop up on online. I was immediately drawn to it. See, natural light is a BIG must have on my list. I do not do well in dark spaces. Sunlight is almost like therapy for me. (Seasonal depression is real!) I even bought one of those “happy lights” that gives off natural light for the camper because dark, cloudy days get me down.

Anyways, I saw this home online and it was funky looking on the outside. But when I saw pictures of the inside, there were literally windows everywhere. Every ounce of this home appeared to have sunlight streaming in. I was hooked. I knew I was going to fall in love with it before we even saw it in person…and I was right. It was a cloudy day, and there were still no lights on. It was perfect.

So fast forward several weeks. We are here in that home full of sunshine. Is it a farmhouse? Nope. Does it have a wrap around porch? Nope. Does it have cute dormers or an oil lamp in front? Double nope. Was it a beachy color? Again, no. This was not at all what I imagined myself living in. This was an 80’s contemporary. How the heck do I decorate an 80’s contemporary?!? Why am I moving into a house with carpet in the bathroom?? Because it has everything we need. Sure it has ugly tile in the kitchen, and outdated lighting, but it’s got what we needed most. And it had my number one need. The light. Isn’t that what we all need most? The light? HIS light?

I’ve seen several Christian counselors in my day, and one tried to help me see and understand the love of God, the Father. He told me He’s the kind of Father who gets up early to take me where I need to go that day. No matter what his schedule could be. Because He loves me and cares for not only my needs, but my wants. Wow. God cares about my wants? Yes. Doesn’t mean we get them all the time. He ultimately wants to give us what He knows is best for us. And sometimes that is the opposite of what we want or what we think we need. It’s not always easy. In fact, it’s challenging.

We’ve lived in an array of homes in our almost 16 years of marriage. Our first apartment was a one bedroom dressed up shed. The view was magnificent though. We’ve lived in really old homes, homes where we’ve had to strip them down to the studs. Homes where we’ve pulled up flooring to discover a massive hole into the basement. Homes with mice coming in and dying in our closets. We’ve lived in a 400 square foot RV! And we were so thankful for each and every house. God provided what we needed every single time, even if the place was ugly. So when I talk about this new-to-us home, I do share it to brag. Not brag about the house. But to brag about God’s constant love and provision. Because His love is way too huge for my comprehension. And the way He totally changed what I thought I wanted in order to give me what I truly needed, still amazes me. He purposely closed the door on that one house to open the door for this place.

Did I get my farmhouse? Nope. Did I get the double front porches? Nope. He gave me windows, and sunlight. He gave us a yard (hard to find one in this area). He gave my husband a much needed office. And now I’m finding myself loving this new contemporary style. I’m enjoying making this house a home. My kids have made friends with the neighbors already. That was much more important to me than any house with an oil lamp in front.

So if you’re ever confused or bummed because you didn’t get what you thought you wanted, maybe it’s because God knew what you actually needed and decided in all of his infinite wisdom, grace and love to give you that instead. Whether you live in a single wide, a camper like we were living in, or an apartment somewhere…it doesn’t matter. God will provide your every need. Maybe our “original plan” or “farmhouse dreams” can take a detour. Our style can be literally turned upside down and made into what we actually end up enjoying most in the end.

So if you see pictures of my home or my yard on Instagram, or my blog, it’s not to say “look what I got.” But rather, look at what my God did. His love is infinite and unmatched and I want to share that with you! You can experience His love, too! I will forever brag about my Savior. And if you don’t know Him or felt His presence in your life, I hope and pray that changes. He has literally carried me through this past year of uncertainty after uncertainty. Through losing jobs and living in a camper. Through leaving friends and starting all over again. We’ve been dirt poor and on food stamps before. We’ve lived in places I didn’t want to be long term. I’ve had a baby in daycare, while I worked part time and my husband was a full time student. We’ve even lived in my parents’ basement after a lost job for a time. So when I get anxious (which if you know me, maaaay happen from time to time), God uses my husband to ask me “Has God ever not provided what you needed?” And I’m left with the comfort of knowing that He always has and always will take care of me. And He won’t abandon me either.

Matthew 6:26-34 is key: “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

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The Truth

Have you ever told a lie? If you have children, have they ever told a falsehood or two? We are all human, and so the chances are that at some point in your life, you may have told a lie. Now whether that was a little white lie, a medium sized lie or a big fat doozy of a lie doesn’t really matter here. A lie is a lie. How about those lies of omission? You know. When we leave out parts of the truth. Eeeesh. I might have done that a time or two. (See what I did there?)

And no, I am not going to talk about difficult or extreme situations when it’s okay or safer to lie, because that’s just not the point of this blog post or what was going on in my personal world this week. So I won’t be going there today.

So, when my child tells a falsehood again, it frustrates me. How many times have we been over this, right? It is not okay to lie. Repeat after me, child. Haha! Do you ever feel like a broken record? I know I do. We all have our sins that we struggle with, and they are all equally yucky. I am so thankful the Lord doesn’t see me like someone calling the forgiveness hotline again, and say…oh gosh it’s her again…asking forgiveness for that sin...again…when will she ever learn? I don’t think I can take her call today. She’s reached her forgiveness limit on that one. No, He gets up early and waits for my call. And cannot wait to talk to me. And He forgives me AGAIN. And again. And again….

We want our hearts to change, and for our children to seek the Lord not only for forgiveness but the repentance part, too. The turning away part. That last step seems to be the hardest for me as well.

My husband said something profound the other evening. At least it was profound for me. He mentioned the fact that we should be “lovers of truth.” Instead of pointing out the sin to avoid (in this instance, lying), he stated what our hearts should be seeking instead (a.k.a. truth). And this was like an ‘aha’ moment for me. We should absolutely love truth so much that we exude truth. We want to seek truth. We want to be around truth, and share truth. We should want to be in the light so much that when darkness creeps in, we run! Run out of the shadows of sin and lies.

Satan is a big fat liar, and I realize how much he lies to me on a daily basis. Take this morning for example. I was at an orthodontist appointment with one of my children. I hadn’t eaten a lot, I was in a new medical facility, my husband wasn’t with me and I was out and about in a new place. Any one of these things can be a trigger for my anxiety at any given moment. (Many of you probably know by now that I have an anxiety disorder, and I do take medicine to keep my seratonin levels in check. And no, I am not saying anxiety and panic are sins so please don’t read that wrong.) But Satan loves to use my anxiety to tell me I am weak, that I cannot do something on my own or that I will fail. And sometimes I have to mentally tell myself that NO, I will not let panic take over! I am strong. I can do this. I will not listen to the lies of the evil one. Nope. Not today, Satan. (I think I need that shirt.) And guess what? The panic and fear stopped. God was like…. this is my daughter whom I love and we aren’t doing this today. (I was so thankful.) It doesn’t always turn out this way, but I knew my daughter needed me and I could not be in a panic state. And I wasn’t going to let the lies take over.

I used this as an example the other evening when explaining truth and false: What if I said the American flag was red, white and turquoise? Well, the red and white part are correct. And turquoise is allllmost a blue shade, right? So that’s pretty close. But if you saw that as a test question, and had to choose True or False, which would be the correct answer? False, of course! If any statement or even part of the statement we read is false, it makes the entire statement false. Even a tiny part that’s almost true. Yikes.

In this day and age, finding truth may be one of the most difficult tasks at hand. Our leaders lie to us. The media lies to us. Hollywood lies to us. There are pastors out there lying to their congregations. There are lies literally everywhere we turn. So seeking and finding truth is a much more difficult thing to do, especially for this next generation. But I know someone who literally IS truth. And yes, that is Jesus. He cannot lie. What a relief!!!

Our pastor is going through the book of Romans and challenged us in one of his recent sermons. He asked if we are ashamed of truth. He reminded us that the Bible is not politically correct, and that it can “offend” people in our world today. It doesn’t go along with the new “normal”.

I know that Scripture is not necessarily “cool”, and it is definitely not “tolerant.” While so many people tell us to “empty our minds” in order to “be still”, or have peace, the Bible teaches us to fill our minds with what is true, right and holy. As Philippians 4:8 tells us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Yes, I am told to love everyone like Jesus loves, but I am not told to tolerate and agree with everything someone says or does. I wore a sweatshirt the other day that said “Mom of Both.” (I have a boy and a girl, which is what this cute sweatshirt was sharing.) A guy at a sports store told me I was making a bold statement wearing that sweatshirt in our world today. And sadly, he was right. And I let him know that yes, I do believe in having and owning the gender God gave us, and I am unashamed of this belief.

Guess what? A lot of people hated Jesus because He unashamedly spoke truth. So this is not an easy road for me or my child to walk. So I need to pray to not only be lovers of truth, but also for the strength to stand up for what is true…and to recognize the difference between true and false. If you are agreeing with everything happening in our world today, there may be a problem. If your church is only preaching about cultural issues and failing to open up God’s word on any given Sunday, there is definitely a problem.

So yes, I get disappointed when I feel like a broken record parent. But this gave me a new prayer to pray over my kids. Over my marriage. Over our lives in general. May we seek truth, love truth, and share truth with others. May we love truth so much that the lies of the evil one have no space to mess around. May we love truth so much that when we are told a lie, we recognize it from a mile away. May the truth found in Scripture be the truth I seek each and every day. May the Bible be my litmus test for truth. And may that be the truth that guides my family and myself each and every day.

John 14:6 says, “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'”