Personal Tales of Grief: Part One

So, I won’t sugarcoat it-grief is a beast. After the loss of my father last year, life as I know it completely changed. Grief wasn’t just something I saw on TV or heard about in the news anymore. It was personal…and it was hard.

I was reminded today that people of all ages are going through, will go through or have gone through some type of grief during their lifetime. And when we go through hard things, sometimes it helps to share what has helped us with others. Whether we are grieving the loss of a loved one, loss of a career, loss of a pet, loss of a relationship, or any kind of struggle or health concern….grief can be seen in many different areas of life and felt in so many different ways. On this side of heaven, we will inevitably experience grief at one point or another. It is a sad reality, and a direct effect of the fall. But this does not mean we are without hope.

Reality of Grief:

I think one reason why grief is so difficult to comprehend is because in essence, it is unnatural. Adam and Eve were not created originally to endure death, illness and destruction. They were created in a perfect world. But all of this came to a tragic end with the fall (Genesis 3). So when we experience sickness or death, I believe it feels surreal to us because it wasn’t the original intention of life. But as we know, we are born in sin and we know that we will die one day. I know that sounds depressing and harsh, but life on this earth is not promised to last a certain amount of time. So we live day by day, even hour by hour by grace. Each day is truly a gift.

Strength Amidst Grief:

I am about to say something very unpopular in our culture today, but it is the truth: Jesus Christ has been and continues to be the only source of ultimate strength for me throughout my grief journey. Do not misunderstand me. I will always recommend good Christian therapy and counseling from a licensed professional. Professional therapists and counselors went to school to learn how to help people like us navigate hard things like grief. So yes, their capabilities are different from our family and friends and I would always recommend a good Christian therapist to guide you through life challenges. I will also stand behind therapeutic measures such as EMDR and brain spotting along with the helpful dialogue, tips and advice a true professional can offer. I have had the privilege of receiving good counseling throughout my life, which has helped me grow as an individual and as a believer. I have never regretted the time or money spent on that. In fact, I do not think I would have been able to undergo my father’s death last year without all of the tools I have learned to combat my anxiety. But I do not have some mystical power hidden inside of me, of my own will that can magically make me strong, and I cannot expect other friends going through similar situations to somehow pull me from the pit of despair either. It is not their job and we should not expect others to have the ability or desire to do this for us. Therapists, counselors, pastors and friends can definitely walk alongside us. But even they are not responsible for our healing.

My daddy on my wedding day.

Loss of a Loved One:

Although there are many types of grief, this series of posts will focus on the loss of a loved one. Remember, God decided man was not suited to live alone (Genesis 2:18). So he made a helper for him, Eve. And since then, relationships have been a major part of life. We are created to be in community with others. And when something happens to someone in that community, everything shifts. And when that person is a parent or loved one, it can really throw our lives for a loop. It will impact us in ways we never understood until now.

Hope in the Midst of Grief:

But we are not those without hope. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 says,

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”

For if we are in Christ, this is life is not the end for us. And the Lord has given us a helper in the Holy Spirit who never leaves us nor forsakes us. We have a beautiful new life to look forward to. And this is the hope we cling to and embrace, especially during times of grief.

I promise to try and add some humor to my future posts so they aren’t so heavy, but also because humor is one way I communicate best. (Just ask my kids.) I don’t want anyone to read these posts, go cry into their pillow and ask for a tent out back to live in until they see sunshine and rainbows again. I just want to give some hope to anyone out there that may be hurting.

If you are grieving and need to talk to someone, please do. Speaking to someone does help, and can also aid you in your journey to heal. I will continue this series with more help aids, but I didn’t want to leave anyone thinking they are alone in this. There are people willing and able to help.

If you are struggling now, here are some resources to consider:

http://www.heal grief.org

http://www.samaritanshope.org

http://www.griefshare.org

The Alleyways of Charleston, and Life

A few weeks ago, when the grandparents were in town, my husband was able to drive me to downtown Charleston to look for photo opportunities. Let’s just say he was stopping the car a lot. Haha! It is not difficult to find beauty in the holy city. There are specific things I look for when going downtown but sometimes I get distracted by the other beautiful things I’m not necessarily looking for, too. (I call this the “squirrel!” factor.)

Looking for beauty has become an intentional thing I do each day to combat anxiety and depression but also to be more thankful to my Creator. I started doing this when we moved into our RV. We had just moved out of our home of five years and were living in a campground in Salisbury. We were parked directly across from a beautiful pond full of lily pads. It was a little wink from the Lord. Then we met some of the most amazing people I will probably ever know while living in Albemarle, NC. The love those people showed us for the few months we lived there was beautiful.

Anyways, back to my downtown photo stroll. So my husband kept having to pull over for me while I was constantly hopping out and snapping pictures. (He is a saint.) I remember while looking across the street at this beautiful home with flower boxes and an old car in the driveway, I was struggling because of the shadows in the frame. So I needed to move across the street to try a different angle. (You can’t just run across streets in Charleston so I needed to wait for a few cars to pass by.) During that time I turned around and saw this little alleyway in between two homes. It had a beautiful iron gate in the front, an American flag hanging from the second story and a fountain. It was like I had stumbled upon a hidden gem. So of course I snapped a picture of it. The picture does not contain the full beauty of that hidden spot, but a picture helps, right? Now when I see that picture I think about how I wasn’t even looking down in between alleyways on that street. Sure, there are some streets downtown where there is always more down the alleyways, but this particular neighborhood we were in just had so much beauty on the porches and windows, I didn’t even think to peek in between the homes.

Sometimes we can find beauty where we don’t expect it. Sometimes we find it in hard times we experience. I will never forget the morning of my surgery to remove the cantaloupe of a tumor on my ovary. We arrived at the hospital and I couldn’t get out of the car. I started sobbing. I told my husband I couldn’t do it. I was too scared. I had never even had minor surgery before, much less a tumor and an organ in need of removal so all of this was brand new to me. I will never forget him lifting me out of the vehicle to go into the hospital. It was a physical example of what I felt like the Lord was doing for me that day. In order to go through with all of this, He was going to have to carry me. I remember praying that as well. I let him know “God, I cannot do this on my own. You are going to have to carry me through it.” And He did.

When I got into the hospital lobby, my in-laws were there, and my pastor was there too. My parents had already come to stay with us and were home with my children. I didn’t know I was going to have all of this support in the hospital at the crack of dawn but I was grateful. I will never forget my pastor saying, “This is the worst part. The waiting.” See he had a growth on his kidney removed several years prior and could empathize with me. My husband still had to help me do everything. Change my clothes, calm me down, check me into the hospital. He was my rock. And when I think about the Lord being our Rock and our fortress, this is the kind of God that now comes to mind. One that will literally pull me out of the car and help me get through the difficult times.

If you’re thinking, well I don’t have that same picture of the Lord. Guess what? I didn’t either. I used to think He was there, but didn’t bother Himself with the little things in my life. That He was there, but had a lightning bolt ready just in case I needed to learn a lesson. After much therapy, prayer, and hearing God’s word preached and understanding it better, I can say that He is the most loving God. He cares about every tiny aspect of your life. He knows the number of hairs on your head which for me in my last year of my thirties is already changing daily.

Through His death and resurrection we can now look down the alleyways of life and see Him there. We can find Him in places we never expected. We can look back at events that seemed impossible to overcome at the time, and see His faithful hand. His love will always pierce through the darkness.

As we begin this advent season, we can rejoice in the fact that He came during such a dark time in history at the ultimate goal of dying for those He came to save. This is true love, friends.

Psalm 18:1-2 says, “I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.“

Please follow our family as we explore Charleston in Instagram : MomaboutCharleston

You can also hear more of my story on the Pause, Renew, Next podcast with my friend, Ginny Detweiler:

From RV to Coastal Living: A Conversation with Missy Stone

The Battle with Anxiety, part 2

If you’re watching the Olympics right now, you’re seeing a lot more talk about mental health. Simone Biles, an incredible athlete, stepped down from some of the competition due to mental struggles. I’m not here to be on one side or the other about that decision and in my humble opinion, neither should anyone but her and her team. Only she knows what’s going on in her brain. I just know as someone who personally struggles with anxiety and panic, that I empathize with her and wish her all the best. (And I was really proud to see her get on that balance beam!) With that said, you’re never too old, too young, too famous, or too good for counseling or therapy.  God gave us ONE LIFE here on this earth.  Why the heck would you just suck it up and deal when you can make it better?  Do you think the Lord wants us to sit around and be miserable for the rest of our time here?  I don’t think that was His intent when He created us.  And how can we be fruitful for the kingdom if we are in a constant state of anxiety or depression?

You’re never going to be too Christian or too crunchy for medication, either. Sorry, but it’s true. Now, does everyone need medicine?  Of course not!!!  So many people get relief from regular exercise, diet changes and therapy alone!  But if that’s not enough, you’re not too holy to ask a doctor about taking something for it.  Sorry to burst that holy bubble.

When someone confides in you and tells you they have anxiety, please don’t treat them like a little glass doll.  And never start a sentence with, “well I know you struggle with anxiety, so…”  Nope.  We ALL struggle with it at some point in time and at some level.  That person is a regular human being.  Just be yourself. We can tell when you’re tip toeing. And it’s just awkward. If you’ve asked them to go out for a fun evening somewhere and they keep saying no, it’s okay. Ask if you can just go sit with them on their back porch for a coffee date instead! It may end up being the best afternoon you’ve had in a long time! 

I may get some hate mail for this blog post, but I honestly do not care.  The Lord has allowed me to grow and learn a lot through my anxiety and I will share whatever I can to help others.  So many people are suffering every day and need help for such a time as this.  If you need to talk to someone, do it.  If you need some medicine for a little while, go ask about it.  Stop making excuses.  Stop letting people make you feel lesser for your trials.  We all have trials.  They are all different and look different.  So hold one another up instead. 

Pray and ask the Lord to guide you.  To show you what you need.  There is help out there!  And it may not be in the first therapist you encounter. I’ve seen several. I’ve had to leave certain ones to go to others and sometimes the ones I’ve gone to have recommended I see someone else that can do a different technique to help me. So please don’t be discouraged if your first try isn’t super successful.  (Same goes for the medicine!)

Grab your headphones and turn on that bilateral music. Get up and go for a walk. Open the Bible and read the Psalms. Put on that Vetiver oil and breathe in deeply. It’s okay not to be okay, but there is hope. And help.

To my friends and family who have sat with me during a panic attack, I thank you. To my mom who used to sit with me when I was a child getting sick behind the scenes, I thank you. To my husband who has pulled the car over numerous times because I needed to get out of the car, thank you. To my kids who write me encouraging notes and give me hugs despite myself, I thank you. To my Lord and Savior who suffered anxiety before the cross and understands me, and cares for me, I’m forever grateful. To all of my counselors who have lifted me up and told me my feelings were valid, I thank you. They’ve all given me the courage and will to keep fighting.

Psalm 46:1-3

God Is Our Fortress

To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A Song.

God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

The Battle with Anxiety, part 1

You decide it is time to talk to a professional about your battle with anxiety. So you make an appointment with your doctor and go to the appointment. They take all of your vitals which are probably not even normal since it took a lot of effort to even drag yourself to this appointment but the nurse is nice and says the doctor will be in soon.

They have that awful crunchy white paper on the chair just staring into your soul so you take the other side chairs because they are more comfortable and less noisy. The doctor comes in and asks why you’re there. You’re beginning to wonder the answer to that question. Why am I here? Why did I even make this appointment? No one wants to talk about their mental health with a complete stranger. Especially in a place lit up like Christmas that smells like hydrogen peroxide. There has to be a better way!

So this last visit I had with a new doctor regarding an anxiety medicine change was virtual. I didn’t have to sit on the crunchy paper, or have my slowly rising blood pressure checked. I literally sat in my car, on my phone and had a conversation with a new doctor and was able to be real and relax. It was by far the most I’ve chatted with a new doctor regarding my anxiety issues. I think it helped to be in my own environment.

I share this here because I receive messages all the time from people regarding their anxiety. I am so humbled and honored when people reach out to me because I know that takes guts!!! So whether it’s new anxiety you’re experiencing from this past year or an ongoing existing anxiety you’ve dealt with for years… I’ve talked to people in both categories. Some folks want to ask me about medication for their anxiety and/or depression. And I am an open book, so whenever I am asked questions, I answer them to the best of my ability. But like every doctor has told me, meds work best with counseling/therapy, healthy eating and exercise too. So you have to realize this is a complete body issue. Most of our seratonin is made in our gut anyways, so making sure you’re taking care of your gut health is vital. Medication alone will not heal you. And it’s not meant for everyone. But it can help. We just have to advocate for ourselves and have the conversation. Talk to a doctor or therapist who can prescribe medicine if that’s something you think will help. It doesn’t have to be the first thing we reach out for but it definitely doesn’t need to be the last thing either.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re feeling anxious or depressed because your faith isn’t strong enough. Or that you must be doing or not doing something every day to make yourself feel this way. Those are lies, and are coming from people who do not understand anxiety or are in denial about their own anxiety problems. Yes, some people don’t want to admit or face the fact that they have anxiety. It comes in many forms. Are you constantly filling up your calendar with activities? (Is your calendar booked out for weeks? You could be avoiding having any down time because it’s too scary.) Do you sleep well? (Too much or not enough?) Are you angry a lot? (Do you get mad or irritated over little things?) Are you having trouble concentrating? (Foggy brain?) Do you avoid going places? Do you avoid doctor visits for fear of what they might find? The list goes on, friends. We are all so different and our approach and response to anxiety are also going to be different. But don’t let yourself feel like you’re alone on this path. There are a LOT of people feeling just like you right now. Trust me. Anxiety/depression meds are some of the most commonly prescribed medications today. And that percentage went WAY up this past year. So now you’re really not alone in this.

Struggling with anxiety and/or depression doesn’t make you a weak individual. In fact, quite the opposite is true. We are fighting constantly…all day, every day. We are warriors. When we hit the couch at 8:30pm and are sleepy, that’s understandable. We just spent a lot of energy fighting off bad thoughts, and encouraging and forcing our attention to truth and positive counter thoughts. This takes a TON of mental aerobics. Not to mention when we have to focus on breathing, and keep ourselves protected from another panic attack. That takes strength too. We quietly rejoice when we move past it and don’t end up on the floor dripping in sweat or vomiting on the side of the road. No one knows when we move past an “almost” attack, because we are usually silent about it, but it is an achievement for us indeed. It’s definitely something to be proud of.

Clinical anxiety isn’t a sin. Clinical anxiety differs from worry and fear. And anxiety itself isn’t always a sin either. Sometimes there are valid reasons for our anxiety. Jesus felt anxiety before the cross. He was about to be separated from His Father. His sweat was mixed with blood! I’ve never personally experienced that before but it doesn’t sound remotely pleasant. And it definitely wasn’t sinful. This is why I love coming to the Lord about this because He actually gets it. He’s felt it before too. So stop labeling it incorrectly. The Holy Spirit is the only one that can help you pinpoint the sin that needs to be eradicated in your life. But please know that there is a difference. (For more info on this, I highly recommend the article from The Gospel Coalition, “Ask TGC: Is Anxiety a Sin?” The author, Joe Carter goes through four types of anxiety and it was very helpful to read through them and get a Biblical perspective on this. But like I said, the Holy Spirit is the one who will show you the difference if you ask.)

Medicine also isn’t evil. It doesn’t make you a bad Christian, or a weak human being to take something for your anxiety or depression. It doesn’t mean your faith is poor. It means you are searching for ways to make yourself a healthier individual. And having anxiety actually prompts me to pray more. It may be the silver lining to this issue. I talk to God a LOT. I have Him on speed dial. I say Scripture verses to myself a lot. Out loud or silently. I put essential oils on. I do a lot of things to help cope but my body also needs the medication right now. And that’s okay. If I had diabetes I would take my insulin. Same kind of thing here. Our mental health is so important. And yes it coincides with our physical health. So taking care of one should aid the other.

So stop being so hard on yourself. Stop believing the lies of people who do not understand the mental imbalance that is anxiety. Stop believing that it’s too hard to talk to someone about it. Yes, therapy can be expensive. There are places that will take insurance if you have it though. But seriously. Is your mental and physical health not worth it? Trust me. You are worth it, ok? You were made in the image of GOD. It is HE who makes us worthy of living this incredible life He has created for us. And if you’re too afraid to go into someone’s office for a chat, there is a ton of virtual counseling going on right now. So you can stay home in your pajamas and talk to somebody too.

So make the appointment. Call the doctor. Ask for a virtual appointment! (Totally worth asking about!) Look up therapists, counselors or psychologists in your area. Check Focus on the Family’s website for recommended counselors. Ask someone in your church for a recommendation! The church is full of real people who struggle, okay? I don’t go to church because I’m perfect and have it all figured out. I need Jesus. We all may need a different type of help based on our past, whether we have trauma, or just really struggling with getting out of bed in the morning. So definitely do some research. Read the books. Lucinda Bassett’s “Power over Panic” is a favorite of mine. (I only know about her because I emailed JJ Heller and asked her how she dealt with her panic attacks!) Another book I can recommend is “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. This book is a treasure trove of information regarding different types of therapy and the benefits of them. Check out ThriftBooks online or the library for either of these!

There is so much more I want to say on this topic but in order for this not to become a book, I think I will end here and have a part 2 for next week. So please subscribe to my blog posts so you can stay up to date and be notified when the next one is published. I write these things because if I have this struggle, I know others do. So I might as well share my experiences in hopes that it helps someone. Even just one person. I’ll try to use this thorn in my side for good. So feel free to share this as well.

If you take anything home from this blog post today, it is this: Please remember that you are never alone in your battle against anxiety!

Deuteronomy 31:8 says, “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Twisted and Normal

Friends, it’s been a week. And while I do not have a lot of exciting things to tell you, I always have things on my mind that I am willing to write in this space. But please know that I do not share these things to gain sympathy, or a good old fashioned “bless your heart.” I don’t know how to be any other way but authentic and real. So here we are. I warned you. Proceed with caution…

It’s been a week since my lovely endoscopy/colonoscopy – the two for one special. A second after I woke up from this procedure, the doctor was next to me letting me know she found seven polyps and I would have to do this all over again in three years. Wow. Can I get some coffee first next time? This is a lot to take in when I am barely conscious.

I had an ultrasound on Monday for my one remaining ovary. (The other had a cantaloupe size tumor found on it several years ago and had to be removed along with its fruit sized friend.) I found out that women can be all kinds of twisted in there after a while, and this is deemed “normal.” I’ll take twisted and normal because that actually seems like a pretty fit description of myself right now. Haha! Plus it’s better than any alternative.

It’s been a lot. This past year. The move. Okay, moves…plural. The global craziness. The homeschooling. The buying a house on wheels. Moving around from campground to campground. Finding a house. Just everything. Then you add that to the current things going on in my life and it feels so heavy. I feel like I am hiking a mountain and my pack just keeps gaining weight. It is getting heavier instead of lighter. I’m trying to make it to the top of the mountain for a break but the path keeps getting steeper instead of easier. Do you ever feel this way? So when my beloved dog wasn’t feeling well yesterday and we had to take her to the vet, it was like I became a little zombie. Not one more thing!!! Put a fork in me, I am done!

I don’t know about you, but when I become overwhelmed, I tend to shut down. I get really quiet. It’s almost like I am in a numb state. So that is how I am rolling this week. I feel sorry for my husband right now. He is not the talkative one between the two of us and he is trying to start and maintain fun and “safe” conversations. I love that man.

Maybe you get angry, or sad. Maybe you need more alone time, or start filling up your calendar. Have you ever met someone who had every hour of every day planned? Whoah. When we need constant distractions, we may actually be in need of healing. All of these things are coping mechanisms for when we feel anxious.

I know plenty of people going through so many more hard and pressing things than I am right now. Cancer. Loss of loved ones. Loss of employment. (We experienced that this past year!) I know I should be more grateful. I should be happier. I know this. But as one of my beloved counselors told me years ago, anxiety builds over time. Sometimes we don’t even see it building and it has to escape somehow. This is why so many panic attacks seem to happen “out of the blue” for so many people. Their mind and body never had a chance to understand, work through and release the difficulties that have built up over time. I simply tell you all of this because it’s my reality right now. This is me being real and raw with you. And maybe someone else needs to feel less lonely in this place. Maybe someone else needs to know that seemingly little things can become big things once they stack up into one big united piece. And I think we all go through these times. This side of heaven is full of them.

So where do I go from here? Therapy. Haha! I laugh but therapy truly is wonderful. I am new to the area and need to find some for myself. But in the meantime, I need to put one foot in front of the other. I need to remember my jobs and my relationships. I need to remember how God is faithful and has carried me through a lot over my lifetime. I also need to give myself a little grace. It’s been a tough year for everyone. We are probably all a bit traumatized after this past year. If you’re feeling the effects from this global pandemic, that’s completely valid.

It’s in these times that I need to recall and recite truth. Truth found in Scripture, not on the news. I need to remember that God is God. And I don’t worship Him because of all the stuff He may or may not do for me. I worship Him because of WHO HE IS. He is my Creator and Sustainer. He deserves all of my praise. And while I may be feeling completely out of control, it is probably His sweet reminder to me that I am NOT in control. I do not have the answers. I need to let go and rely on Him. Letting go of control is proving to be a difficult task for me. Will I ever learn?

So if getting out of bed today was a struggle, I hear you! It was for me, too. BUT GOD. He loves us. He loves us more than we can imagine. And in His infinite wisdom He has placed us here on this earth for such a time as this. And so we feel the difficult times, and we give grace to ourselves for the humanity we face. And we put one foot in front of the other and trust that He has this. He has ME in the palm of His hand. He cares about little ole me.

So today, I will remember that I cannot trust my feelings…because those seriously change when I am hungry. Or with the weather. But I can trust in my God because he REMAINS the SAME day after day. He is steadfast. He is ALWAYS there. He never gives up control.

Thank you, Lord for the reminder of your attributes and kindness. Thank you for loving me in spite of myself. Thank you for your faithfulness over this past difficult year full of change and hardship. Thank you for being my friend when I truly feel alone.

Lamentations 3:22-23 says, ” The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

One Moody Mama

Do you ever remember a time when a parent or parental figure in your life told you something that made you mad because it was true? And then you found yourself saying it years later? Gosh, I hate when that happens.

Sometimes when I am dreading something coming up, I can become moody a tad easier than usual. I guess I had been doing this without really realizing it this past week because my son made it clear that I needed to purchase the wall decor from Hobby Lobby that had a cow saying “I’m in a Mooooood.” He thought it was hilarious but because I was on edge, I took it more personally than I should have. The next day something else was said to me that I didn’t appreciate and it brought me to the end of my rope. Not only do I have to undergo a stupid procedure this week but I am also in the middle of switching anxiety medications. So, I am not surprised that my children have picked up on my recent mooooodiness. It is totally valid.

But then my daughter turns to me and says, “Mom, you can choose whether or not to be in a bad mood.” I don’t think I have ever been so annoyed yet so proud all at the same time. She is repeating a lovely phrase I have probably told her a time or two when she was in a tween mood herself. And now I am eating those words for lunch. The realization of the truth in that statement overtook my mood for a second and I realized she was right. No, I cannot always control my anxiety levels. No, I cannot change the past nor do I have any control over the future. No, emotions are not bad. But, I do have some decisions I can make regarding my current mood. I can decide how I am going to react, behave, and treat others in this moment.

Now, as I briefly alluded to before…many times our moods are valid, okay? This post is not contradicting the need to feel validated for our feelings because that is SO important. This is why I promote therapy on the daily. But my unhappy mood at that moment in time was a decision I was making. And I could change it if I wanted to.

The last few days have been somewhat of a doozy and I try to give myself grace for my weak and more tender moments. I do believe it is healthy for our children to see their parents with emotions. Otherwise we just look like robots that they couldn’t relate to if they needed us. Allowing your kids to see you cry is not a failure by any means. My son and daughter saw a tear fest from me earlier this week. It couldn’t be helped. It all came out like a dam had broken and since my kids are always with me, they saw it unfold. And gosh my kids are compassionate. They were praying for me, giving me hugs and literally turned my day around. I could not love them more. But then my mom guilt showed up. I wondered if I had worried them with my tears. Why do we do this, mamas? We are human beings! And sometimes things hurt, make us sad, or angry. And our kids can learn how to be compassionate and loving human beings in those moments. Christ had emotions! Jesus in the temple (anger). Jesus the night before the cross (anxiety). Jesus and his afternoon with Satan (temptation). Of course Jesus Christ never sinned during any of these times of trial, but He experienced them because he was 100 percent human!

So when my daughter spoke truth to me at lunch the other day, I was a bummed. I was being prideful. I felt like I had a right to be ticked off and didn’t like the fact that she pulled out that wisdom card at that moment. But you know what? She said it in love. And I needed to hear it. The truth hurts sometimes.

So, yes I will listen to my children. I will learn from them on the daily. I will strive to check myself, and my moods. I will also fail. I want them to know that I am human, and that I make mistakes but that I love them and will ask them for forgiveness when I am a moody Mama.

Yesterday I took my kids to the neighborhood pool and randomly on the way to jump in, my son turns around and gives me the heart symbol with his hands. He didn’t have to do that. It was a random reminder that he loves me. And in that moment he was teaching me about grace all over again. That even though their moody mama has been on edge for a week or so, and cried in front of them, and been mad at their harmless jokes, that he still loves me. I couldn’t have appreciated that heart more in that moment.

If you are struggling today, you are not alone. Your bad mood doesn’t define you or make you a failure. God loves you so much that He sent His ONLY child to die for you. I don’t know any love bigger than that. And when we mess up, we still have access to Him. We can speak to Him. And He hears us. And forgives us over, and over, and over. My identity lies in my Savior.

Maybe I’ll go back to Hobby Lobby and find that funny piece of wall art and appreciate it this time. I hope it will remind me that I can exchange my “Moody Mama” status for a happier version most days.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 says, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…”

A Creative Mess

OUCH! If you’re a parent, or a close relative of a Lego lover, you know the feeling of one of those plastic bricks shoving its way into the sole of your bare foot. It hurts like the dickens and you may want to drop a cuss word or two. I know the feeling well and I do not enjoy it at all. But it happens. And yes, it hurts.

When you live in 400 square feet with two children who love Legos, the entire RV can become a danger zone. Caution tape should be placed around the building area because you will indeed step on one of these tiny bricks and it will be painful. I know when I enter my children’s shared bedroom that I am putting myself at risk for future harm. Haha! Somehow children never seem to step on these things. Are they Lego ninjas? How do they always avoid them? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Anyways, my children’s room is a disaster area right now. The picture that I’m embarrassed to post above is what it currently looks like. And to be honest, it’s been a lot worse than this before. Yikes. #Confessions of an RV Mama. It is absolutely chucked full of Legos, Transformers, stuffed animals and more. Since we live in such a small space, we usually ask them to clean it up each night. At least enough for us to be able to walk inside to do our evening devotions. If I had it my way, everything would be cleaned up each night and the floors would be free and clear of all toys. My logic is that they can get all the things out again in the morning and start over, right? But what I have had to come to terms with, is that this amount of creativity takes time. And sometimes putting all of these things away will cause more sadness than its worth. The fact is, my kids are playing with one another. So I can deal with some of the bricks being left out. For now.

In case you don’t know us, my children are homeschoolers. Our family moved away from our hometown of five years, into an RV where we’ve rotated from campground to campground these past nine months. And in that time, we have also moved to two major locations in two different states. It has been quite an interesting year! On top of that, was the big C word..you know..the pandemic. As if we weren’t isolated enough!

Sometimes I look over this past year and feel extreme mom guilt over taking my children away from their friends. And for doing it twice, during a time of extreme loneliness and isolation. Way to go, Mom. But life happens, right? Life takes us on different journeys and destinations sometimes, and if you believe in God’s promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Jeremiah 29:11), then you know and trust that it is all for a purpose. God has a plan.

So when I look at this extremely messy bedroom, with Legos scattered all over the floor, I try to focus on the growing relationship between my children instead of the mess and possible injuries I will endure. My kids are 3.5 years apart, one girl and one boy, they have shared a small bedroom for nine months straight, and still play well together. That in itself, may be a small miracle!! Now, they also argue and fight sometimes, okay? Don’t get me wrong. They are still siblings. But even with all the guilt I have over moving them away from old and new friendships, I am grateful for the relationship they have with one another. Maybe these months of isolation from others has made them grow closer to each other. Maybe sharing a room and staying up late making each other giggle and squeal will be a sweet time they look back on for years to come. Even though I want to cry every time I think about moving out of our sweet neighborhood in North Carolina, I have to remember that my children will make friends again. But at least in the here and now, they have each other.

Sometimes I look at life right now like I do the floor full of Legos. I am tip toeing through it, trying to avoid harm. I want to put it all away and start over, start fresh. These thoughts aren’t necessarily wrong, but if I only focus on those things, I will live in complete sadness. Let’s be honest, these times are tough! Maybe I need to be focusing on the good things that have blossomed from this past year. Maybe I need to view it like a “creative mess” instead of the “floor of death”. Yes, it is a total mess, but it also holds evidence of joy.

Sometimes God lets us feel uncomfortable, or step on that dang Lego piece to bring us somewhere else. Sometimes He allows us to experience the mess and the pain in order to bring us somewhere new and amazing on the other side. And sometimes He allows pain we may never truly understand on this side of heaven. Although there have been many dark days during this crazy year, God still sits on the throne. And I pray I remember all the ways He has taken care of us these past nine months.

If you are struggling to see where God has carried you, ask Him. And seek His word for answers. Here are some verses that I hope will encourage you today…

Isaiah 46:4 says, “even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear, I will carry and I will save.”

Isaiah 41:13 says, “For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'”

Thank you, Jesus for carrying my family through this crazy hard year of transition, change and uncertainty. Through joblessness, moving, depression, anxiety and more we have seen your Hand upholding us. Thank you for the Legos in life that have brought us to a new place, to start fresh. I trust you with these precious children, as they are YOURS, not mine. Please bless them with new friendships and new experiences. Most of all, help them grow closer to you. Amen.

Isaiah 40:11 says, “He will tend His flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.”

You can follow our family’s adventures on Instagram: therollingstonefam