The Ungiven Apology

I wrote this blog post over a year ago and never published it.  I am NOT an expert at forgiveness.  In fact, one of my many struggles is holding grudges.  So I feel like I am the last person to discuss this topic.  But God has lead me through a lot of situations in life and I feel like all I can say here are things He has taught me about it.  He is the PERFECT one who took the punishment of all sins after all…

Has anyone ever said something completely untrue about you?  Yep.  This has happened to me more than once in my lifetime.  I have been falsely accused of unkind things I never did…by people who knew me or people who hardly knew me at all.  It has made me angry, hurt, and sad. 

And no apology was given.

I don’t think I was expecting it really. But I felt like I deserved it at least.

Let’s be real. Sometimes you will get the apology and a lot more times you won’t. And no, it isn’t always so easy to just “brush it off.” But emotions are okay. Even negative emotions.  It’s okay to feel mad, sad, disappointed. It’s what we decide to do with those emotions that may change the situation, right? Sometimes emotions are like a guest in my car. I won’t let them sit by my side and steer the wheel for me because that would be crazy! And backseat drivers are annoying so I shouldn’t let them tell me where to go today, or how to drive either. So I guess I let the emotions sit in my car, and we can have a conversation. Get it all out. But eventually I need to focus back on the road, moving forward…or those emotions will try to tell me how to make a gazillion u-turns.

But how do I release these negative emotions? I’m convinced that sometimes it’s a process. We shouldn’t be expected to just let it go suddenly like Elsa recommends. But it’s probably a good thing to work at releasing the anger that surrounds the person or the event. That person is probably unaware of their insults or simply doesn’t care. I am the one brooding and hurt over it still.  

Some of you reading this may have no idea what this is like at all. Maybe you are able to release things and move on quickly and easily. My husband can do this fairly well and I’ll be honest with you. I’m SO jealous. I am a completely different human.  I’ve always felt things pretty deeply and been more sensitive. I’m a big fat six on the enneagram, so I guess it is just part of my personality. But I’m sure we have all experience with not getting an apology we wish we had received. Maybe the offender is scared. Maybe they are too caught up in their own mountain of depression that they can’t see outside of themselves right now. Maybe they are too self-focused or refuse to see the err of their ways because it’s just too difficult. Or maybe their moral compass is just a completely different brand. So then it’s our job to move past it somehow.  This may involve forgiveness and it may not.  I don’t claim to know your situation but either way, this is a process. This may take days, months or even years.

I know for a fact that I have hurt people’s feelings intentionally and unintentionally many times in my life. I too have been and felt the things I listed in the paragraph above.  Sometimes I wonder if people are holding anger against me but have never told me. I think we have all sat on both sides of this predicament.  I hate to think of people not being able to sleep because of my words or actions but I am sure I have done this at some point-even multiple times in my life.

I’ve read all kinds of definitions of what forgiveness is and isn’t and I am NO expert. I obviously struggle in this area. So if you came here to read about what forgiveness looks like in every life situation, I’m afraid you’ve traveled to the wrong blog. I would never tell someone else how to forgive or even what to forgive. There may be some things people cannot seem to forgive and that’s a conversation between them and God. I’ve had some pretty dark things happen in my life and I would be a fool to try to tell you all how easy life is when we just forgive and forget and move on with our lives. It ain’t that easy.  Jesus is the only perfect example we have of living a perfect life, and still taking the weight of the world’s sin on His shoulders.  He is the ONLY example we have of perfect forgiveness and HE is the only source of forgiveness from sin.

We will all have moments, conversations, or realizations of being wronged.  Sometimes we may be surprised with an apology. Other times, we won’t get one. And that’s when we have to decide what we are going to do with that realization. I can let it ruin my day, week, year or life. Or I can pray for God to show me how to respond, and how to move on. I can ask him to help me process my emotions in a healthy way. I can speak to a counselor so I can be validated and heard but also guided. Those things are all very good. And then it’s also a wonderful feeling to move forward. I’m worth the apology and sad for the offender. And when I’m the offender, I pray I will see when and where I need to ask for forgiveness. (My family hears a lot of apologies from me! I am very far from perfect!)

So maybe it’s not the apology that heals us after all.  Only the perfect one who knew no sin and became sin itself can heal us from the hurt we are facing.  2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”  The Bible is filled with verses about forgiveness.  That was of course why Jesus came to die.  To save those who will be with Him forever in Heaven.  So here are a few more verses for us:

Colossians 3:12-13 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.”

Psalm 32:5 says, “I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

Jesus, only you are the source of true forgiveness. You are the only one who lived a perfect life yet was condemned to a sinner’s death. You suffered and died for me and now I pray that you will teach me how to forgive others. Affix my heart with compassion and help me to see and know you as the ultimate healer. As Psalm 51 says, “Against you, you only have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight…” I ask for your forgiveness. Amen.

A Step in the Right Direction

I graduated from college with a special education degree for grades K-12. After that, I went to several different trainings that taught me various ways to teach those with autism, dyslexia, and other learning disabilities. One thing we always taught our students was to self advocate. There would be a time and place in their lives where they would not be present with a parent or teacher, and would need to share with someone what kind of assistance they would need. To do this independently would take courage and confidence.

Something I know now is that this is a life skill for EVERYONE. When I look over my lifetime, I can think of so many times where I have just gone along with whatever my physician has stated, or “agreed” with others in a conversation because I didn’t want to argue with them. I have let people speak down to me like I’m a child or laugh at me because they didn’t understand where I was coming from. There is a time and a place to walk away from this, and there is also a time to stand up for myself. I am still learning where this line is, but also trusting in the Lord to guide my ways, and guard my tongue. My tongue tends to be an issue at times.

In moving to a new place, comes complete new territory. Finding new physicians, new stores, a new church, a new homeschool group. Everything is new. In some ways, this is utterly annoying. If I had the money to pay my own personal assistant to transfer all of my medical records and files, I would. In another way, I feel like I have been given the gift of starting over, starting fresh.

Finding a good gastroenterologist for continued care for some of my diagnoses has always been a challenge. I have been seeing these types of doctors since I was in high school, and have never truly been impressed with their demeanor or bedside manner. I just figured it was because of the line of work they were in…but they chose it! (If you are a gastro reading this, and are a kind person who speaks to their patients with respect, I thank you). After the move here, I set up an appointment with one and went in for my first visit. I left feeling like I have FINALLY met a kind gastro, which was true. But I also left with questions. So, I set up an appointment at another doctor’s office for a second look, a second opinion. WHO AM I? I rarely do this, as it is annoying and I hate forcing myself to go to the doctor. It isn’t necessarily my favorite place to go, and although I have changed doctors in a practice before, I usually don’t go off to another clinic to possibly start over again. But, I am new here. I know what I need as far as a doctor is concerned. And I needed to practice what I preach and self advocate. It helped me figure out who and where I wanted to be a patient, and now I can feel confident about the initial practice and doctor. I could look at this as a waste of time, but I see it as a step in the right direction.

Self care. I keep hearing this term and feeling guilty because I know I do not practice it enough. But God has given us one body in this life. We are called to take care of it. No, we aren’t supposed to worry endlessly about our health. (A personal problem of mine.) He doesn’t want us to worship our bodies where that is all we think about. (Yes, even our body can be an idol in this way.) Looking up WebMD every day is NOT healthy. My husband is constantly kicking me off of sites like this. Constantly worrying about being sick or having a bunch of illnesses or health issues can actually make you sick and have health issues. So I fight against this constant worry, and try to balance it with being smart about going to the doctor when needed but not becoming obsessed to the point where I diagnose myself with ten deathly things each week. Let’s be real. WebMD’s answer for a lot of things is you need to see a physician because this could be cancer. A therapist reminded me once that God designed my body. And yes, sometimes they can become sick or not function properly. But the Creator of the universe knit me together. Yes, I had a tumor and needed surgery. But constantly worrying that another tumor would come my way was worthless and draining me of any appreciation for the body I was given. It was draining me of the joy He wants me to have today.

All this to say, when I think about one way to practice self-care I come back to advocating for myself mentally and physically. If you need to see a doctor, but the one you saw didn’t listen to you, try another one. If you have an appointment with a therapist and they aren’t a good fit, try another one. This doesn’t mean these folks are bad at what they do. It just means that they may not be a good fit for you personally. So many times we just don’t want to start over again because it does take effort, time, and money. But what are we doing when we don’t stand up for what we know we need? Is that really self care then? I am not telling you to go overseas for some million dollar treatment because you may or may not have some disease you diagnosed yourself with online. What I am saying is, take care of yourself. Self advocate. And keep going. Don’t obsess over your health. AND get off of WebMD. (I am speaking to myself.)

In a world where life stopped because of a virus, we may need to learn how to truly live again. And are we truly living when all we are worried about is dying? These are questions I ask myself all the time. This past year has been a fight for everyone to some level or degree. What I hope to learn from it is how to live each day to the fullest. This may take me the rest of my life to figure out, but I’ve got to start somewhere.

Psalm 139 is BEAUTIFUL and full of truth. Here is a tiny portion, verses 13 and 14:

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.