So this is 40…

I was sure I would cry the morning I turned 40 years old. I was now “Over the hill.” I was officially old-ish. I was not looking like I was twenty years ago. Now I am searching for a good eye cream that will hide the crow lines and moisturizers to hide the unpleasant parts of my face. Confession: I have to take a picture of where I’ve parked now so I won’t forget. I am that kind of old.

But my friend reminded me that our children look up to us and watch how we “age.” Do we embrace it? Are we doing it gracefully or in mourning? Are we taking it in and enjoying the next phase of life or dreading it before it even has a chance to begin? And she had a good point. I want my daughter to see me age with grace but also with a thankful heart. I’m grateful to the Lord for the years He has given me and I am excited to learn more while I’m here.

I’ve been given more writing opportunities lately and this has given me so much encouragement. I’ve loved to write, ever since I was a kid. So to be given the opportunity to do so has been an honor. In many ways, I am still figuring out what I want to do when I “grow up.”

Most recently I was asked to write an article about an ear piercing place opening in downtown Charleston. Here I am, a 40 year old mom, being asked to cover this hip new shop. I was so grateful for the opportunity and wasn’t going to pass it up. The thing I was thinking about passing up was the actual piercing part. But over the last few months, I have been reading different articles about various ear piercings aiding with migraines, anxiety and even depression. There are pressure points on the ear specifically and studies being done to see if piercings in any of these locations on the ear have a direct effect on lessening negative feelings, pain, or emotions. The jury is still out but I figure if I can help negate my anxiety in any way, I’ll do it. So the plan was to go in that shop and get the piercing.

I prayed all the way to the ear piercing place. Praying that anxiety would not stand in my way anymore. It has disrupted times in my life that are supposed to be joyful and fun. It sneaks in and steals joy from simple moments with friends and family making it impossible for me to just relax and take in the moment. I am 40, and I am done. I asked the Lord to remind me of His presence. And no, I wasn’t praying just about the piercing, as I figured I would either go through with it or not and either way would be okay. But I was looking at the big picture of life in a nutshell. I’m tired of being afraid all the time. I am tired of having joyful moments ripped away from me.

So I arrive at the ear piercing place quickly realizing I am probably the second oldest person there. But honestly, everyone is so nice that it doesn’t even matter anymore. Or maybe I just don’t care anymore. Another advantage to aging. Haha! I told the piercing professionals about the piercing I wanted and why. I was given honest answers (basically, the results are different for everyone) but that my ear really wasn’t the proper size for that kind of piercing. So I really thought that was my way out of this pain and I would be leaving with some handshakes and pictures and a happy article. But then I remembered that I’m done being scared. So I huffed my oils, ate some Sour Patch Kids, drank some water and decided to try a different piercing they recommended. And I was honest with these complete strangers about my anxiety. About my excellent “passing out” skills. They weren’t scared. So it made me less scared. And all went well. I got the piercing. I didn’t even have to lie down afterwards. Who am I?!?

So I truly was proud of myself but also thought…why did I just do this? I am an enneagram 6, I over analyze all of my decisions in life, whether it be which car to purchase or does that shoe truly fit my foot correctly? You don’t want to be inside my head.

I went home and looked up the possible benefits of a conch piercing which is the one I got. I found that it can possibly aid with “muscle relaxation.” (I am constantly unclinching my fists, reminding myself to relax, and not be stiff.) Another possible benefit was to aid with chronic pain. (Pain usually brings on anxiety and panic for me.) It was so interesting how I went in for one type of piercing and came out with another, and now am finding out it may have been the better choice. But even if all the ear piercing acupuncture stuff is hullabaloo, simply a placebo effect or literally does nothing for me physically/mentally, the experience is now forever in my mind. The memory is there. That piercing is a special reminder for me now in a weird but wonderful way.

I’m not telling you to go get pierced (although I do recommend “Studs” in downtown Charleston if you do want one). What I am saying is that sometimes it’s okay to stomp our feet and say “Lord, I am done with this fear. I know it may never go away completely. But please remind me of your presence. Let that overshadow these feelings of panic and doubt in my mind.”

Will I ever have another panic attack? Possibly. Will I still be on anxiety meds? Probably. But am I going to try to live my life differently? Absolutely. I’m never too old to learn. I’m never too old to change. I’m never too old to show my children that the Lord’s presence is a gift and we need to cherish it every day.

So this is 40, huh? It’s not so bad after all.

2 Corinthians 3:17 says, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”